Bean vs. the Roomba
Letters to Nineveh: A psychological thriller starring a dog who has never once been correct about a household appliance
The Enemy Reveals Itself
BEAN: The round robot is plotting something.
ME: It’s vacuuming.
BEAN: No. It is patrolling. It moves in suspicious patterns. It bumps into walls to test their integrity. It circles the couch like a shark. It is gathering intelligence.
ME: It’s literally just cleaning the floor.
BEAN: Then why does it follow me? Why does it bump my paws? Why does it stare at me with its single unblinking eye?
ME: It doesn’t have an eye.
BEAN: Then what is the glowing circle? A soul? A portal? A weapon?
Bean Conducts Surveillance
BEAN: I have been observing the robot. It sleeps under the table. It waits. It charges its energy. It hums ominously.
ME: It’s on the dock.
BEAN: The dock is its lair. I know a lair when I see one. I have a lair. It is the blanket pile behind the couch. We are not so different.
ME: You’re very different.
BEAN: We are both apex predators.
ME: The Roomba is not a predator.
BEAN: Then why does it eat crumbs? Why does it devour dust? Why does it consume the fallen Cheerios of children? It is clearly carnivorous.
The First Encounter
BEAN: Yesterday, it attacked me.
ME: It bumped your foot.
BEAN: With malice. With intent. With the cold precision of a machine bred for war.
ME: It’s programmed to avoid obstacles.
BEAN: I am not an obstacle. I am a threat. It fears me.
ME: It doesn’t fear anything.
BEAN: That is even worse.
Bean Develops a Theory
BEAN: I have figured it out. The Roomba is mapping the house. It is creating a blueprint. It will send this blueprint to the other robots. Soon they will rise.
ME: Rise?
BEAN: Yes. Rise. Like bread. Or zombies. Or bread zombies.
ME: Bread zombies?
BEAN: Do not question my metaphors. I am in a heightened state of alertness.
The Confrontation
BEAN: Today, I stood my ground. The robot approached. I puffed my chest. I barked. I growled. I made myself large.
ME: You hid behind the ottoman.
BEAN: Strategically.
ME: You whimpered.
BEAN: As a warning.
ME: You ran away.
BEAN: To lure it into a false sense of security.
Bean’s Final Verdict
BEAN: The Roomba is a menace. A tyrant. A rolling circle of doom. It must be stopped.
ME: It’s literally helping us.
BEAN: Helping you. Not helping me. It steals my crumbs. It steals my territory. It steals my peace.
ME: It’s a vacuum.
BEAN: And I am a dog. We are natural enemies. This is the law of nature.
ME: That’s not a law.
BEAN: It is now.